Oct 26, 2003
I am so selfish! agghhh!!
Oh my god, I did the most ass thing last night.
I called David (my ex) over since I needed help moving out all of my stuff out of my room upstairs into the room downstairs. He was glad to come over and brought me a sandwich from wendies too.
Everything was going good and dandy, I was getting kinda pissed off though because it was just so much work trying to get some of the stuff downstairs and my dad wasn't helping at all.
David, meanwhile, was patient with me and just worked along miving things down.
Later on I realized I was getting kinda hungrey, the time was like 11:30 pm. I sent a text to Fernando and asked him if maybe he wanted to go to Betos to get food after he got off of work. He responded saying that he would love to and would send me a buzz when he got off (around midnight)
I had hoped I could getthe rest of the stuff out of upstairs really fast, then I figured, it being around midnight David might have to go home since he usually has to return his parents car by then.
However that didn't happen. David was still working harder than ever, and I have to admit that he probably worked more than me, he still loves me so much! He was plodding through all of my stuff and then I got a message from fernando telling me to call him.
Fernando was apparently right on my street and was heading for my house. He wanted me to just meet him outside so we could just leave when he got to my place. (I think he didn't want to disturb my parents, since they don't like him very much)
Meanwhile I felt like I had to hang out just with Fernando and not with David. I don't know why, I just felt like David couldn't be around fernando. That and I wanted to kiss fernando and I felt that if David was around, Fernando might be hesitant to react the way he normally does around me. That and David would be uncomfortable.
But to be more perfecttly honest I think I was just thinking about myself.
Posted at 10:17 am by owlett5
Oct 21, 2003
I only have a few more minutes before I go to work. Man, I am sooo tired! I hate working this early in the morning, but hey, at least I'll be able to come home and get that paper finished.
Perhaps I should complain to Sky about Fernando's fickleness. Sky will kick Fernando's ass. Actually, most of the boys I know will kick Feranando's ass. It's good to know that even though I spend my time aching for Fernando, waiting for him to do something about this stupid love, that I have so many other boys who would gladly kick his ass for me.
I feel loved again. :)
I think traci was probably right. All he really cares about is himself, apparently, and there is nothing I can do to change that. I need to relax, go to work now, finish my paper, andstop worrying! Also, everybody here is probably sick of reading about this boy! LOL
Posted at 06:50 am by owlett5
Oct 20, 2003
Boredom and a Bleeding Heart
I am sooo bored! I am actually supposed to be writing a paper on heart disease for my stupid nutrition class but I can't seem to find the will to do it!
Well, I was slightly disappointed (yet somehow relieved) that the girl Fernando found didn't show up. I got to see Eric, and boy, has he gotten FAT!
It's mainly around his his midsection, so I'm betting it's the booze he drinks that sets him up like that. Man, when to people ever learn?
Today was not too eventful. I went to school, got a student ID card ( I'd lost my previous one) and got some books for this paper I am supposed to be writing from the school library. Later on I went to Fernando's house because we were going to work out together as usual.
Fer was completely boring before we went, he just sat there and built his Magic the Gathering deck without speaking so much as a word to me. Meanwhile I tried to watch comedy central over his dog, of which had taken perch on my chest while I reclined in the lazy boy.
When we did finally leave he asked me along the way if I was still interested in getting a job up in park city at the resort. I said sure, why not? I could use the money, then maybe I can room with you! (I was remembering, how he had mentioned to me before that he had really wanted me to come up there with him.)
However, now he turned to me and said that he didn't think that sharing an apartment will work now. He said that he wants to date other people and that he knows that it would just ruin our friendship should we share a place. He said I could maybe live up there too, but in a different apartment all together. That way he can still hang out with me and what not and he could basically date others without hurting me so much.
Well, that made me feel pretty rotten.
I wonder what has made him change his mind so suddenly. I also wonder, what is
going on in that mind of his?? What am I to him? Do my thoughts and feelings mean anything to him? He has said he loves me, he refuses to sleep with other females, let alone date other girls as of now. But what does it all amount to?
I am pretty confused. i wish I could just know what he wants. What I want him to say is that he loves me more than all the rest. I am his One. Or, he says, I just think I want you for sex, I don't love you.
Right now I have a picture in my mind that has him giving the message: "My love for you is artifical. You mean nothing to me really. I am just using you until I go to Park City, where I am hoping to meet the girl of my dreams who is prettier, thinner, and more atheletic than you. The only reason I even let you kiss my cheek is because I know I mean something to you, but really, you mean nothing to me. I will leave you here, and it will mean nothing to me to know you are sad, because I will be perfectly happy."
Posted at 09:16 pm by owlett5
Oct 18, 2003
The most exciting thing that has ever happened to me has just happened!! @+@
I recieved a text message today while at work from Fernando. I had been texting him, as usual, throughout the day and had inquired about his doings the previous night. From what I recalled he was going to hang out with Eric, a boy that I was acquainted with from High School. (He is, BTW, bisexual, last I checked)
He responded to me that he had enjoyed himself last night, and that he had met a girl, . . . for me!
I found myself laughing hysterically due to a mixture of emotions that flooded every part of me all at once. I thought the idea that he had found a girl for me was hilarious! I was also uncontrollably and mysteriously excited by the whole thing as well.
(I can only wonder what the people at my workplace thought when they saw me laughing at apparently nothing. LOL)
Now, let me frist give you the background that I have never actually had any sort of dealings with the same sex that could possibly have led to me being described as being gay, or bi. In fact, I consider myself to be pretty straight.
However, I have often toyed with the idea of dating another woman, simply out of hate for my parents. This actually goes back into the fact that my parents believe me to be, for lack of a better word; a slut.
I am 20. I am not allowed to be at a guys house if his parents are not home. I am not allowed to have boys over unless my parents are home. The few boys that have dared to come close to me are in the end, ridiculed and bossed around by my parents. I am tired of it! Out of pure frustration I wondered what would happen if I did date the same sex, would their reactions change?
I am thrilled about this oportunity to do this! I meet her tonight! I can't wait!
Posted at 09:33 pm by owlett5
Oct 17, 2003
In my life, there has only been one person on this planet who has ever meant the world and more to me. It creates a perfect and tragic story of one sided love. Alice on the other side of the looking glass, watching the world and not being able to get through to it. Feeling love and wonvering if the other person will ever come to realize how much you love them.
I know that most of you people out there haven't heard the God of Wine, which is okay. I'll give you the lyrics when I think it might help you to understand.
I have often wondered about my love for some people, and love in general. It is so true that there are more levels to love than any human being can ever express. In my experience, the strongest and most wonderful love is not the love that creates a hot, buring desire for another person, it is the love that is so subtle that is does not overwhelm. It is loves that brings you to sigh in happiness just from the scent of the other person on your cloths, the love that means you will always be there for that person, no matter how far they are physically.
Should I write the love story here? Should I express my deepest secrets, for of all people, the public? I also must wonder at who, of my group of friends will come to read these, and what their thoughts will be. There is something uncomfortable about haveing even your firends know too much about you. It leaves me feeling exposed and less interesting.
I suppose I could just write vaguely. And make you all wonder. . . . . .
Posted at 09:58 am by owlett5
Oct 16, 2003
As I sit here today, listening to god of Wine over and over. I know it's kinda obsessive to do this, but the song is what I feel. I have always loved this song, too bad it never played on the radio.
Today I spend alot of time thinking of Fernando. I think I need to meet Mandy, and perhaps talk to her about things Fer says to her about me. I'm not worried that he is saying anything bad about me. But I am curious to know what he thinks of me really. Or rather, the extent of which he thinks about me.
I know I have alot of feelings for the boy. Of course, it is insanely illogical for all of this to even exist! He is going to leave for Park City this winter. Personally, it doesn't seem to have much of an emotional affect on me. However, he seems to think that it will, and that his dating other girls up there will hurt me.
I personally don't think along those lines. Even though he thinks I want to date him as my boyfriend, I really don't, and the idea hadn't really crossed my mind. I don't want to insult him by saying that though.
I do love him though. Undoubtedly. I love to just look at him, listen to him, pretty much everything. Right now he only does one thing that gets on my nerves. He touches my ass in public. I really don't like that at all. It makes me look like a slut I think. And I know that other people don't like to see that.
I will have to tell him one day that I hate being touched on the ass like that. Once in a blue moon is okay, but not like every five minutes. I can't really see what is going on in his head that he feels the needs to touch my ass all the time. Perhaps I will let him see my blogging! Then he can read everything that goes on in my head. LOL. Boy that'd be a quick way to ruin a friendship!
However, I do know Fernando pretty well. I think if I tell him about the ass thing he'll do three different things. One: he'll get offended and stop. Two: he'll stop but quietly stew. Three: He'll tell me it's something he likes to do and there is nothing I can do about it. If I don't like it, then it's my problem. Obviously I'm not the girl for him, because the girl he wants is a girl he can grab at all the time.
Well, this blog is WAY too long, So I'll post it and catch you all later!
Posted at 05:38 pm by owlett5